The national executive of NIMBYs of Britain. Elected, in the sense that nobody else turned up. Between them they have lodged over nine thousand objections, found four hundred newts and attended one planning appeal, which they lost, but not in spirit.
Has objected to 1,204 planning applications, including his own conservatory, which he says he was "testing the system with". Believes the word "sustainable" is French. Chairs every meeting standing up, so it finishes.
On the parish council since 1983. Has never lost a vote, largely because she counts them. Once got an application refused by crying, then got the refusal upheld by not crying. Knows where the planning officer lives.
Has found a great crested newt on every site he has ever surveyed, including a multi-storey car park in Basingstoke. Doctorate in a subject he describes as "wetness". Once delayed a bypass for three years with a photograph of what was later agreed to be a leaf.
Has personally measured every road in the county with a trundle wheel. Believes all roads are "already at capacity", including the M6 at three in the morning. Objected to a cycle lane while parked on the pavement, and to the pavement.
Considers anything built after 1740 to be "temporary". Lives in a house built in 1962. Has had four puddles, a gatepost and a smell listed. Believes the phrase "in keeping" can be applied to weather.
Runs the Facebook group. Posts exclusively in capitals. Has been "looking into" a website since 2011 and would like it noted that this one was done without him. Replies to every comment with "AS I HAVE SAID".
Surname withheld for security reasons. Keeps the Register in a ring binder and the ring binder in a safe. The safe is in the Range Rover. The Range Rover is on the pavement. Handles all £5s personally and has "never lost one".
Did a law module in 2009. Somebody's nephew. Available Tuesdays. Has read the National Planning Policy Framework "most of the way". Advises every member to "put it in writing", though not what.
Border terrier. Barks at surveyors. Once held a drainage consultant in his van for two hours. Has been formally thanked by the executive on four occasions and formally warned on six. Does not distinguish between a developer and the postman, which the executive considers "a strength".
Vacant since 1998.
We are keen to hear from anyone under sixty who has ever complained about a skate park, a festival, or "the noise from the school". Duties include being photographed at the front of the group so we look modern. A laptop can be provided, though Tarquin will want it back.
